I don't feel like typing a lot right now. So a quick update will suffice:

Basically I start college next Wednesday, so that should be interesting. First quarter I actually only have one class, which I found to be a bit strange. It's called "Information Systems," I honestly don't even know what it is. So you know, that seems like a good way to start college haha.

I'm looking for a better job. I love my job right now (Which is dishwashing for a small cafe) in that I can listen to music at work, it's easy, and there's no uniform, but mainly the music... But I just don't get paid enough, or rather, I barely get any hours at all. So a new job would be nice. I'm looking into Byerly's, cause then I can work with one of my best friends, which would make up for the lack of music, and it pays more with guarenteed hours.

Speaking of work I have to go to work in about an hour and a half.

Other news, concerning other things, can be found in some of my posts. Relationship stuff has been thoroughly thought about and whatnot. There's this one girl who I really like, and she likes me too, and fuck, we even went out once (Kinda), but she's reluctant to start a relationship with me because she's a senior in high school and I already graduated, plus she lives kinda far away. And then I have all these thoughts that kinda go against myself, and that story can be found here: Conspiracy Against Myself

In other news, I have created a random YouTube video.
Direct link to video.
BBS Topic about said video.

And finally, a new song I have released! Details are as follows:

My new song "Blur" is finished! There's still a couple of spots that are troublesome, but I've accepted that I'm never going to perfect a song, especially with my technology.

Without further randomness, PLEASE CHECK OUT MY NEW SONG! It's the FIRST song I've recorded for my newest album, Tunnel Vision.

Link to "Blur": http://media.putfile.com/StarF---Blur

(More stuff after lyrics!)

StarF - Blur

This is where the story starts
(This is where the story starts)
Reconsider what I said
The truth it changes, look ahead
Forget the trail of broken hearts
(Forget the trail of broken hearts)
Now begins the next endeavor
I'll be chasing dreams forever

Got the message, hesitated
Wonder if it's bad news related
Enjoy the time I bide to think
But will it stop the flood in which I sink?
Of course not, the futures rolling near
And now there's no way out of here
Although it's not like I want release
I've just been searching for some peace
It eludes me but I still dream of clarity
Check my words for full sincerity
To others, to myself, I cannot lie
And so I know that I have to try
Open message, take of glasses
Blurred the future, the time it passes
Read the words through failing vision
Contemplate with indecision
Glasses on and I face the reality
I can take the truth thanks to my mentality
And yet I feel the need to blur
When the message comes from her...

They say it's easy I've just gotta be cool
I need to play the part not play the fool
But it's not like it matters what they say
In the end I have to do this my own way
And if that way is always failure bound
I'll reflect on mistakes and drown them in sound
And the future shines with new chances
For my strange and flawed advances
Take my breath and give me hope
I always find a way to cope
A feeling like this has long since been felt
But you cause my insecurities to melt
Until you're gone and they reappear
And I want them to go away, get out of here!
The thoughts they scream every mistake
Till I don't know how much more I can take
That's the reason for removal of glasses
And the slow crawl of sand, the time it passes
Blurry words wont change the message sent
But they seem to disguise the background intent
To avoid adjustment I strain my eyes
Bend the message, revel in lies
I can't believe I think with such delusion
Blind my mind with forced confusion
Face the truth, the hourglass shatters
It's not like the flow of time even matters
The truth may hurt but it's necessary
Nevermind the fact that your words might scare me
I know unhazed truth breeds opportunity
And that lends me hope for our possible unity
So I forget the risk of what I read
And instead think of what I need
I need to read it clear without distraction
Glasses on; prepare for reaction
As I read I realize I have a smile
Because even though it's been awhile
I wouldn't trade the world to have this chance
So on reflection, on just another glance
I can deal with the truth, nevermind the blur
As long as I even get that chance with her...

~~~~~

Alright! That's my new song. If you want a bit of an explanation, the story behind it is that I'm a weird guy. That much is apparent. But here's the deal, I've always had this thing where when I receive a message from someone, usually a girl, and it's going to be this long serious message (Whether I know the intent or not. Could be good, could be bad, could be just random), as long as it's something serious I have a habit of removing my glasses and reading slowly from a distance, so the words are blurry.

I don't know why, but that's what I do. It's like somehow it makes it easier to deal with what I'm reading. If it's bad news, it somehow takes the blow out of it. If it's good news, for some reason it makes it seem more exciting. I can't explain it, I'm just strange.

But then after I read the entire message blurred, since I know what I'm in for, I put my glasses on and re-read it clearly, as if I'm seeing it for the first time.

I'm very strange. But that is the background behind this song.

Feedback is always welcome. Thank you so much. <3

<3 StarF

I'm 18 now. Cool.

Yeah, I don't really know what to say. Hooray for being an adult technically I guess? Or almost technically. I don't have total priveledges until 21. So whatever.

Anyways, yep, it's like 3AM. So I'm not really excited or pumped up or anything. Just tired. Haha. But still yay and whatnot. :D

Now quick, someone go make me a topic. :P

Lulz.

In other news: 2AM boredom has caused me to create this random video for Zebrahead's song "Death By Disco," which is on their new album entitled "Phoenix," coming out August 5th!!!

Link to random shitty video for an awsome song.

That's about all I got right now! Off to bed! :)

I'll wait for her forever...

Hourglass Requiem

A pen and paper and a lot of time to kill, so often found in this situation
That now the words just come naturally to me without any hesitation
A metphor here, a similie there, but the pen hates when I use personification
So I stick to what I know, which is a simpleton's flow, no room for complication
When I look up to the clock and I observe it so long, it seems to mock my waiting
"A virtue," I tell it, patience wearing thin, the murder of sand so frustrating
For an hour this glass has been counting the past, and I've flipped over so many ticks
But alas the clock seems to be giving the finger, I still laugh at your endless tricks
I must be going crazy because the hands sit so still, just about 360 rotations to go
And that's not even the finish line, I'm losing my mind because it's still moving so slow
The calender; the accomplice of the clock, so many victims to speak of in my trial
I killed all that time, and after all just to find that I'm still going to be waiting awhile
"For what?" you may ask, well when enough time has passed I'll have finally found perfection
Been lost for so long, shoulda turned right; I was wrong, the map guided me the wrong direction
So I gave it to the wind, with the destination pinned, I laughed as I roamed through with no guide
And when enough time has died I will finally find that the land of happiness is where I reside
The journey I speak of has no definitive movement, I'm still sitting with a paper and pen
And I remember times of perfection; dejavu in the making, it'll be great eventually just as it was then
Don't get me wrong, I've know the future all along, clairvoyance was always a gift
And even though things have changed, a couple details rearranged, the paradigm has yet to shift
The last ingredient is time, so wont the clock be benign? I'd like to retire this dagger
But when I wave the white flag it fires back with a bang, and the shock of it causes me to stagger
Oh you crafty enemy, you think your so clever with your ultimate advantage to me
But the one thing you lack is a counter-attack to this bombshell I've got now you see:
I'll be waiting forever, and I'll never say never, just to get to the girl with the power
Hex of perfection, guidance with no direction, glass shattering with every passing hour

So for the past week or so (Well, almost a week now) I've been in New York, visiting one of my best friends who moved here last summer. Of course, he lives in the suburbs of NY (In a place called Hamburg), so really, it's just like MN. I'm staying until July 26th.

Alright, so it's not just like MN, and so far it's been a lot of fun! :D

We've went to some amusement park, Dave & Busters (Where I kicked ass at the arcade games, getting a total of around 2000 tickets), walked around and shit, and just generally have had fun. We also rented the game Army of Two a couple of days ago, and just finished beating it tonight. Pretty fun game, but could definately use some more gameplay, it was really short. Reminded me a lot of Gears of War.

Anyway I don't have much longer to type, going to go play some other games with my friend, so I'll wrap this up quick. As far as the last posts go, to anyone who may be paying attention (I suspect that this is nobody, but this has become something of my own little personal "relationship blog," lulz!), the bitchy girl still wont talk to me. I tried to make peace with her, but to no avail, and finally said fuck it, if she's going to be a bitch then I'll just let her.

As for the new girl, I asked her out and she said yes, but we still haven't been able to go on a date due to busy schedules (she works a lot), and now I'm in NY until the 26th. Bad timing. I'm sorta getting the feeling she doesn't like me as much as she let on before anymore, or something like that. But whatever, I'll just have to see how that goes.

Oh, and I've been talking to my first ex a lot too recently, who is still really awsome and I could still see being with... Interesting, interesting... lol.

My life feels like a boring soap opera. Well, boring to watch anyway, I'm having lots of fun! :D

And finally, I'll cap this entry off with a poem I wrote the other day. It still has some work to be done, a few places to fix, but I like it anyway. Comments are always appreciated!

Casino

Coin flip, dice roll, always a game of chance
I wish physically I'd stick to my mental stance
This game is stupid, it's rigged, you can't win
You've lost your prophets as soon as you begin
Fifty-fifty, good odds, if you're thinking optimistic
But each side is equal and dangerous if you're being realistic
On one side is prosperity, on the other despair
And that coin of the future could land anywhere
Cause if you lose, you're a goner, then hope is all lost
And if you win, you'll get cocky, and to hell with the cost
You go double-or-nothing, cause your luck seems so high
You just won the bet of fifty-fifty, so of course you would try
To scramble the odds just to make some more money
And when you're watching the die roll, it seems kinda funny
How suddenly the odds are stacked; but not in your favor
And sometimes I love the taste of defeat; my favorite flavor
But not in this game, so I'm praying with this chance; one-in-six
That it might just land on my number, so the problems it'll fix
I'm gambling with life, I never was one to bet
And when I lose every side I'll try not to regret
That it was all my fault, backpeddled a little to far
Walked just a couple steps much, got smashed by the car
Didn't pay just enough attention, got bit in the ass
Stranded in the wilderness cause I ran out of gas
The luck has run dry, but it was never really there
And in the end it doesn't matter, there's no reason to care
Cause life is a casino, and I walked in with my cash
Sat down at the table of love and started acting rash
Made some winnings at first, started feeling the might
Now my state of affairs is such a pitiful sight
I placed a large bet, all my chips on the table
All-or-nothing it seems, and the odds are unstable
So I'm closing my eyes and hoping for the best
Leave irrationality to me, cause common sense is for the rest
I never really liked gambling, seemed too risky for me
And so it's ironic I'd be standing here waiting to see
The result of the coin flip, the dice roll, the games of chance
I wish physically I could just stick with my mental stance

EDIT: Omg for some reason I had it twice, and I didn't even notice. Shit! Fixed it. :O XD

I got a brand new computer as a graduation gift, and it's badass. Runs super fast, plus I got the whole package deal, so I got a sweet new monitor as well. :)

I don't feel like typing much at the moment. So a quick update on the last posts I've been making. That girl I was talking about decided randomly that we're no longer friends. She apparently wants nothing to do with me ever again, and for apparently no reason. We were getting along fine, just friends and everything, then one day she just deletes me from myspace, facebook, etc. and tells me to get the fuck out of her life. What the hell?

It hurts in a sense, but I'm getting over it, cause I don't have time to deal with bitches like that. If she really wants to act that way, then fine, whatever.

I recently met a new girl though anyway whos pretty awsome. I'm not going to jump into anything, but there's definately something about her that's getting to me. I guess I'll just have to see what develops.

^_^

Once again, even though the relevence level to NewGrounds is zero, and you don't care, I'm going to talk about it. Me and my girlfriend broke up a week ago. She sent me a myspace message, of all things. She just didn't think it was working out, I agreed to some extent, and pretty much saw it coming for the past couple of weeks.

And I had actually confronted the things that were wrong (In my head) and was ready to really make an effort to change, but ironically I was a bit too late.

I was okay with it though. It was saddening, for sure, but I didn't break down or anything.

I've been okay with it until out of nowhere this fucking douchefag comes out and starts hitting on her. Now I'm not going to be jealous when we're not even together, but what really annoys me is that not only is this guy doing this right after we break up, but he just met her very recently. He barely even knows her. The only reason it seems he would be doing this is because she's really hot, and he's correct in that reasoning, but it's still not good reasoning alone.

I love her, and seeing this happen less than a week after we break up is messing with my head.

So I confronted him about it, but he avoided the subject whenever I brought it up. And looking at his profile on myspace and whatnot, on top of everything I just don't like the guy, at all.

But I have to deal with all of this anyway. I mean what the hell am I going to do about it? I have no place to do anything about it. Yeah, I can tell her, but that wouldn't matter. Really I don't even think she would go out with him at all. Not even if she hadn't just got out of a breakup. I'm really just annoyed by the fact that this guy is doing this, and making himself seem like a total dick because of it.

I dunno, maybe I'm just thinking about it too much.

I hope that one day in the future me and her can give it one more go, when things are more likely to work out. In my heart and mind I believe that eventually that day will come, until then I'll just have to move on and see what life gives me.

So in my last post I talked about how I basically got rejected by a girl, but then the next day she changed her mind, and we've been going out for a couple of weeks now, and it's been absolutely amazing. So I'm extremely happy about it, and I only hope it lasts.

One strange thing about the situation is that I feel like I can't admit to myself (Of all people) that I love her. In fact I find myself questioning it. When really, I know I do. I'm pretty sure it's because of my first love, who ended up cheating on me. I'm not sure why, but I think maybe I'm just afraid to admit that I love the new girl because maybe I feel like that'll just make it feel worse if things don't work out. It's ridiculous on many levels.

I feel it though. I mean after my first girlfriend I didn't date anyone for about a year, and within that time I met this girl. She was the first girl to actually take my mind off of Ellie (The first), and I felt something for her but it was basically just a "crush" (I hate using that word). After a lot of time it has evolved though. I mean she's the first girl I've felt anything like this for since Ellie. And actually typing this out has really helped me put it in perspective actually.

So I guess I have no choice to admit this to myself (And her), that I love her. And that's the truth.

But now I'm going to divert a bit to say something else: I'm currently listening to Sage Francis's album "Road Tested," and it's amazing. Sage is my hero. Seriously. It just needs to be said.

Anyway, I guess that's enough for now, I have so much I can say but I think I'll cut it off here, I got the important stuff down. :)

NewGrounds, I am sad. Why? Well, a few reasons really. Not that you care, but hey, that's why it's in my blog, so shut the fuck up and stop reading if you don't feel like wasting your time. :)

So today at school I asked my friend out. She's awsome, and we get alone really well, and hang out all the time. Hell, people already think we're going out, but we're not. So I asked her out, and she said she had to think about it. She ended up saying no. This is obviously sad, but hey, what can I do?

What I'm more sad about is the wasted time. For me it's not like I just go start a relationship. I've known this girl for almost two years now, and I really like her. It's the first time I've felt something this strong for a girl since my last girlfriend. For me it takes time.

And so the fact that she'll likely never go out with me makes me feel like it was all for nothing. And that hurts much worse than being rejected.

My next relationship could be years away at this rate. :(

I somehow feel like I'm "missing out" on the whole dating scene. I mean I'm almost done with high school for fucks sake. It's my damn views of love and importance that make this happen to me. I'm obsessed with love. I wont go into a relationship unless I'm serious. This is a very good thing, but sometimes feels like a very bad thing, mainly for the reason above.

As much as I know I "should" wait for love, and in my mind it's set that way, I want to be in a relationship with someone anyway. You only live once, and time is fleeting. I guess I want the best of both worlds, I want a meaningful relationship, and I want it now. Damn I'm greedy.

Fuck I really wanted her though.

Now I guess I play the waiting game some more.

So apparently I've lost a friend. One of my best friends in fact. She allegedly wants nothing to do with me anymore on account of I'm not a Christian. *Ahem* And they say religion does more good than harm. This is one thing about it that greatly annoys it. Some people will alter their lives, alter the here and now, soley for a promise of something at the end. Do they truley believe that this promise is true? Yes, they are so sure of themselves and in fact have no doubts. And so they see no problem with changing their current life, because hey, the end is not actually the end, but another life supposedly.

I, on the other hand, would rather enjoy my life to the fullest right now, because I'm pretty sure this is it. Am I right? No, because I cannot be sure. Could there be a God? Yeah, I don't see why not. Is it logical? Not really, but I also have a hard time believing that the entire universe used to be condensed into a tiny mass the size of a marble. All in all, like I said, I'm here to enjoy myself now, and I'm not going to judge people based on their beliefs of the afterlife, or a lack thereof.

She is an amazing person, and a great friend. And now she allegedly hates me. Why? Because I, apparently, tried to "corrupt" her in some way. Did I? Not intentionally. In the middle of a religious discussion we somehow got into last night, which I now wish we hadn't even gotten into, I asked, purely out of curiousity, not suggesting anything at all, if she had read anything regarding atheism, simply to see if she knew stuff about the other side. This of course greatly offended her, because she assumed I was suggesting she should (Maybe there was some undertone I wasn't aware of).

I do think that people should get both sides of an argument before making final judgement, but I'm not going to push anyone to do so. I'll let people live their life the way they want, and make decisions the way they want, so long as they aren't trying to mess with me. I would be offended by the sheer fact that she would take offense to my question, but I know better than that. What's really weird is how she - even though she claims she never has - so constantly pushed God at me. Sure, she never directly said "hey, you should go read the bible," or "you should be christian," or anything like that. But I never said "hey, you should read some atheist stuff" either.

What's my point? My point is that it bothers me that I'm losing a friend over such trivial bullshit. The argument wasn't even useful, because it's not like either of us would convince the other of anything. I don't want to lose her, but I guess I have absolutely no choice in the matter. It's her decision, and if she wants it like this, then so be it. I will be sad about it, but there's nothing I can do about it.

I don't wish that she wasn't Christian or anything. I just wish that she wouldn't try to change her life simply to live in some bubble of comfort that'll probably end up hurting more than helping. I don't want her to ruin friendships over this, be it just mine or other peoples as well.

It's sad.

Well it's been awhile, I figured I'd update this. A lot has happened since my last news post, but here's some of the main points: I am single once again (Things just weren't working out, it was a mutual agreement to give it a break, and we're still friends, so it's all good :3), I've been working as a dishwasher and it's annoying, but at least I'm getting money, and I almost got arrested for no good reason again!

Basically I asked my mom a question, she became greatly annoyed, and she called the cops and said I threatened her. They came and told me that they could arrest me if they wanted to, but they would let me off with a warning. -_-

Oh well, things have been going good otherwise. Tomorrow is the first day of the second trimester (Yep, we have trimesters at our school) at school. So that should be interesting. I have two new classes to look forward to: Psychology and Debate. :)

In other news, I'm going to New York in the summertime to visit a friend who moved there last summer, and I'll be staying there for a month. That should be a lot of fun. ^_^

Also, I bought an 8-bit tie off of thinkgeek.com and a very nice coat from Walmart (lulz), which is pretty interesting. Haha, yeah.

End blog! :3