Mehh, I don't feel good.

In both a physical and mental way. Seeing as how I feel the need to vent, but can't really do that to my friends (I'll get to that), I figure a short - medium blog to the people of NewGrounds will suffice. I doubt anyone will read, or for that matter care, but that's not really the point. o.O

So yeah, it's weird how no matter what we all get sucked into the whole "soap opera of life" sort of thing. I guess even those who swear they'll avoid 'drama' at all costs get sucked in too, if they have friends anyway. For example, one of my best friends is cheating on his girlfriend with some other girl, and I know both the girls. This means that since I communicate with all three, someones going to end up pissed at me regardless of the fact that I have nothing to do with any of that. People are just stupid like that.

But the main problem is introduced when people aren't true to themselves. It seriously seems like everyone is either too absorbed in themselves to be concerned with me, or annoyed with me for some reason which they don't reveal because I guess it's just more fun to keep me in the dark about that type of stuff. It also doesn't help that a lot of the people I would talk to talk to other people I know, which means an irritating fast spread of any information I might give out.

Not that it really even matters that much. Hell, I don't even know which of my friends are 'stalking' this account and will read this anyway. And does it really even matter? I don't know anymore. Everyone is just being so fucking confusing that that's the problem.

I swear, every day everyone has a new perspective of themselves. Everyday something changes, and no one is able to be true to themselves, unless they're truley just this person who's trying to be different. Okay, not everyone, some people are still reliable, but on the whole it's getting annoying. Blah.

I'm not even sure if I'm being coherent anymore. O.o

And also I really have no right to be complaining about anything, which annoys me. It's another bar against me talking to anyone about anything, because I've tried doing that before and most people just talk about how my problems aren't really that bad, or how I shouldn't feel that way. And you know what?

...I fucking know that you assholes.

I have a great life damnit. But everyone has problems whether you like it or not. Apparently even though I'm going through a time where it seems like I have few people to rely on (I say seems because regardless everything will most likely and hopefully work itself out in time) I'm not allowed to! I'm not allowed to feel bad because apparently I have a great life. That's retarded, so just shut up.

I guess when it all comes down to it it's a mix of being annoyed by unreliable people (My family mainly, and some of my friends [Which I try not to be too upset about because I do realize they probably have their problems too, and I'd like to help but sadly I can't]) and just being lonely in general.

So what brought all this on anyway? I'm not really sure myself... I woke up today at 6PM and watched TV until 11:30. At around 7 I heard the phone ring but I didn't answer it because no one ever calls for me. Now I feel fucking stupid because I should have at least checked it. Cause later I did go to check it and it was a friend who rarely calls me, so it meant she had been calling for a reason. She was on MSN, I got on, said hi, she replied with some random stuff I wouldn't have even expected her to say, and left. What was that stuff? It's not important. And it's stupid that it would even effect me at all, in the very least bit.

Regardless, I feel stupid, and the result was that I went for a walk at 11PM. I actually went about halfway to her house and I wasn't even sure why. I mean for one, it's not like it would have accomplished anything (If I had went there I wouldn't have even been able to see her or anything anyway), two, I hadn't expected to even go that way, I just kinda started walking and ended up on my way there, and three, it's not like there would be a reason. If you're all thinking (And by you all I mean perhaps the one random person who actually decided to read this far, but I'm assuming this will have zero readers, especially by this point) that she's my girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, or whatever, you'd be wrong. That's another weird thing about it.

Maybe that's also what it's about, because she is one of the people who keeps randomly changing. And at some points I feel like I'd want to be with her, but then at other points I don't, and at all points I know that it wouldn't work out anyway. And besides, she has never and will never want me in that way, which makes it all pointless.

Blahhh. I'm an idiot. I don't know what to do about it. And all I can do is wait. And somehow I feel like I fucked up. I don't know how. I fucked up when I didn't check the call. I fucked up when she was talking and left cause I didn't say anything. I fucked up by fooling myself so many times into these fucked up thoughts of hypothetical situations. And, well, I don't know anymore.

Well I guess I feel a bit better that I typed all that. o_o

Blahhhh. Good thing I have music and NewGrounds to keep me sane.

"Our instincts they were cringing, about how we lived our lives
It didn't seem we'd lived enough to even get to die
All these dis-distractions, so beautifully complex
Well I love life's surprises so much I don't want to know what's ahead"
-Modest Mouse (Education)

Random picture from walking: